Article by Kevin L. DeWitt

Psychologists, scientists and philosophers agree: strong social ties are a key to happiness.  We need close, long-term relationships; we need to be able to confide in others; we need to belong; we need to get and give support.

Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.”  Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that we take joy in life, but studies show that it also lengthens life, boosts immunity, and cuts the risk of depression.

Many people don’t make new friends easily.  They feel intimidated, feel it’s too difficult.  So here are some strategies to try:

Show up.  Just as Woody Allen said that “Eighty percent of success is showing up,” a large part of friendship is showing up.  Whenever you have the chance to see other people, take it.  Go to the party. Stop by someone’s desk.  Make the effort.

Also, the exposure effect describes the fact that repeated exposure makes you like someone better – and makes that person like you better, too.  You’re much more likely to become friends with someone if you see him or her more often.

Say nice things about others.  It’s a kind way to behave.  Also, studies show that because of what us called spontaneous trait transference, people unintentionally transfer to you the traits you ascribe to other people.  So if you tell Bill that David is arrogant, unconsciously Bill associates that arrogance with you.  On the other hand, if you say that Sean is hilarious, you’ll be linked to that quality – having a good humor.

Join a group.  Being part of a natural group, where you have common interests and are brought together automatically, is the easiest way to make friends: starting a new job, taking a class, joining a church congregation, joining an alumni group are great opportunities to join a group.  

If those situations aren’t an option, try to find a different group to join.  For example, pursue a hobby more seriously.  An added advantage to making friends through a group is that you can strengthen your friendships to several people at once.

Start a group.  If you can’t find an existing group to join, start a group based around something that interests you.  For example, if your college or university doesn’t have an alumni group where you live, try starting one.  Chances are others in your area also attended the same school (with an added benefit of meeting people of varying ages and interests).

Studies show that each common interest between people boosts the chances of a lasting relationship, and also brings about an increase in life satisfaction.  Movies, music, wine, pets, running, a book club, a language, a Bible study group, a worthy cause … the number and types of groups are virtually unlimited.

Set a goal.  This strategy sounds very calculating, and perhaps it is. But it works.  When you enter a situation where you meet a new set of people, set yourself the goal of making three new friends. This seems artificial, but somehow, this shift makes us more open to people, it prompts us to make the effort to say more than a perfunctory hello.

Smile.  Big surprise.  Studies show that the amount of time we smile during a conversation has a direct effect on how friendly we’re perceived to be.

Friends-of-friends. The fact is … people tend to befriend the friends of their friends.  So friends-of-friends are an excellent place to start if you’re trying to expand your circle.

“Life ain’t easy. Terrible things happen to everyone. You have to keep your sense of humor, give something of yourself to others, make friends who are younger than you, learn new things, and have fun.”
-George Vaillant

“True friends stab you in the front.”
-Oscar Wilde

“Just when you think that a person is just a backdrop for the rest of the universe, watch them and see that they laugh, they cry, they tell jokes … they’re just friends waiting to be made.”
-Dr. Jeffrey Borenstein

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