Article by Kevin L. DeWitt

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
-Paul Boese

All of us have been hurt by another person at some time in our lives.  We were treated badly, a trust was broken, a heart was hurt.  Pain from hurts such as these is normal.  Many times – too many times - the pain stays too long.  We relive the pain over and over, and have a hard time letting go.

The not letting go causes problems in the most basic – and important – parts of our lives.   It causes us to be unhappy, can strain or ruin relationships, distracts us from work and family, and makes us reluctant to open up to new things and people.  We become trapped in a cycle of anger and hurt, and miss out on happiness.

We need to learn to let go.  We need to be able to forgive, so we can move on and be happy.

This is something I learned the hard way – actually … I’m still learning - after years of holding onto anger at a loved one that stemmed from my early college years.  Recently, I finally let go of this anger (about a year or so ago) and I forgave.  And not only has it improved my relationship with this loved one, it has also helped me to be happier.

Forgiveness can change our lives for the better.  Forgiving doesn’t mean we erase the past, or forget what has happened.  It doesn’t mean the other person will change his behavior – none of us can control that.  What it does mean is that we are letting go of the anger and pain, and moving on to a better place.

It’s not easy, but it can be learned.  If you’re holding onto pain, reliving it, and can’t let go and forgive, try the following:

Commit.  You aren’t going to let go in an instant… maybe not even in a day, a week, or a month.  It can take time to get over a hurt you’ve been holding on to.  So commit to changing, because you recognize that the pain is hurting you.

Pros and cons.  What problems does this hurt cause you?  Does it affect your relationship with this person? With others?  Does it affect work or family?  Does it stop you from pursuing your dreams, or becoming a better person?  Does it cause you unhappiness?  Think of all these problems, and realize you need to change.  Then, think of the benefits of forgiveness … how it will make you happier, free you from the past and the pain, improve things with your relationships and life.

Choice.  You cannot control the actions of others, and waste time trying.  But you can control not only your actions, but your thoughts.  You can choose to stop reliving the hurt.  You can choose to move on.  You have this power.  You just need to learn how to exercise it.

Empathize.  Try this: put yourself in that person’s shoes. Try to understand why the person did what he did.  Start from the assumption that the person isn’t a bad person, but just did something wrong. What could he have been thinking, what could have happened to him in the past to make him do what he did?  What could he have felt as he did it, and what did he feel afterward?  How does he feel now? You aren’t saying what he did is right, but are instead trying to understand and empathize.

Our responsibility.  Try to figure out how you could have been partially responsible for what happened.  What could you have done to prevent it, and how can you prevent it from happening next time?  This isn’t to say you’re taking all the blame, or taking responsibility away from the other person, but to realize that we are not victims but participants in life.

The present.  Now that you’ve reflected on the past, realize that the past is over.  It isn’t happening anymore, except in your mind.  And that causes problems … unhappiness and stress.  Instead, bring your focus back to the present moment.  What are you doing now?  What joy can you find in what is happening right now?  Find the joy in life now, as it happens, and stop reliving the past. (And remember, sometimes you will invariably start thinking about the past, but just acknowledge it, and gently bring yourself back to the present.)

Compassion.  Finally, forgive the person and realize that in forgiveness, you are allowing yourself to be happy and move on.  Feel empathy for the person and wish happiness on them. Let love for them, and life in general, grow in your heart.  It may take time, but if you’re stuck on this point, repeat some of the ones above until you can get here.

It’s something to think about…

Many people hold onto a grudge because it offers the illusion of power and a perverse feeling of security. But in fact, we are held hostage by our anger … True forgiveness isn’t easy, but it transforms us significantly.  To forgive is to love and to feel worthy of love.  In that sense, it is always worthwhile.
-Robert Karen

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