Article by Mary Bea Sullivan

 

“… forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against … “  The whole “as we forgive those who trespass against us” deal can be like pushing a boulder uphill.  Praying for forgiveness … piece of cake!

 

For most of us, when we feel resentment, it resides in our guts. We relive an unkind word … years of abuse … a missed opportunity to be supported … and our solar plexus tightens as if trying to protect us from the pain.

 

But the pain is there, as real as the air we breathe; yet sometimes, all we breath is our pain.

 

Small transgressions can be easy to forgive, especially when the other party sincerely seeks forgiveness.  But the big ones … infidelity, a parent who seemed uninterested or uncaring, a trust shattered, a child who steals from her own mother … these can take years of hard work to move past. And if the one who hurt us shows no remorse, the challenge is even more difficult. 

 

We can pretend we aren’t hurt … bury the betrayal in the backyard of our heart.  But every so often, something will happen to pull the hurt to the surface.  And our resentment triggers cramps in our gut and hardens in our hearts.

 

Responding to a question regarding the death of her son, actress Jill St. John said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  When we hold on to our anger and hurt, in essence we relive our pain over and over and over again … and give the other person power over our life.

 

Forgiveness is a gift we give … not only to the other party, but also – and perhaps more importantly - to ourselves.

 

But how do we truly release and forgive?  This can be difficult.  For some of us, it may take years to heal old wounds; for others a moment of grace opens our hearts in a new way.

 

Here are some ideas that I learned from Dr. Fisher Humphries while attending his class on forgiveness at Beeson Divinity School’s Lay Academy:

 

1. Name who hurt you.

Name the person or group who hurt you or did to you what was unfair.  You cannot begin to forgive until you honestly address this issue.

 

2. Choose to forgive.

At some point, we have to choose to want to forgive.  I remember during my divorce how attached I was to telling my “story.”  Each time I rehashed the perceived injustices, I could feel my resentment and indignation grow.  I wanted others to validate my anger, my pain.  I was not working on forgiveness … I was working on being “right.”  Like an addict who was sick of her hate hangovers, I finally grew tired of my own ranting.  That was a turning point toward forgiveness.

 

3. Do no harm.

Choose to do your enemies no harm.  Do not be rude to them, gossip about them, or even to believe the worst about them.

 

4. Turn to God.

Surrender your desire to forgive to God.  When I think of all the times I have knocked on God’s door asking for forgiveness … truly feeling a sense of forgiveness … when I consider Christ’s words on the cross, “Forgive them for they know not what they do,” the forgiving I need to do seems less daunting. When forgiveness seemed nearly impossible, I prayed with the intention of one day being able to forgive.

 

5. Empathy for others.

Remember the one who hurt you is a human being making mistakes just like us … possibly hurting too … just like us.  This does not mean condoning mean or abusive behavior … forgiveness is not condoning and it usually doesn’t mean forgetting.

 

However, if we can see the “other” as a child of God … understand something about their story, even pray for their well being, we can at least see them in a different light.  It’s difficult, but it helps to remember that they are God’s creation every bit as much as we are.  Perhaps that light will be the path toward healing.  A simple mantra is helpful, “May X be happy, be peaceful, and know love.”

 

6. Resentment is causing you pain.

Realize that holding on to the resentment is causing you pain (probably more so than the person with whom you are upset).  In his book, Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox says, “Setting others free means setting yourself free, because resentment is really a form of attachment … When you hold resentment against anyone, you are bound to that person by a cosmic link, a real, though mental chain.”

 

7. Find support.

Seek support, especially if the resentment and anger is causing you to lash out at yourself and others. Find friends, professionals, who want to help you move past your pain.  Don’t isolate yourself from those you love and those who would help you.  Conversely, if you find that some friends like to “feed the fire” of your anger and resentment, then either avoid them or at least stop talking about the subject.  They may think they have your best interest in mind, but they are most likely keeping you from growing past the pain. And remember … seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

 

8. Courageous work.

Forgiveness is courageous work.  Realize that forgiveness isn’t fair.  Holding on for restitution or some place of “equal” is a hook that will keep you coming back to the poisonous well.  At some point, you will be able to acknowledge the injustice (not justify it), feel a sense of sadness for yourself at having experienced it, and let go of the desire for the other to “make it all better” or to “pay.”

 

Finally, know that forgiveness does not have to mean actually talking to or meeting with the other person … In some circumstances, we might want to offer our forgiveness directly to the other, but sometimes that is not wise … especially if the other person is incapable of “hearing” your apology and their response would only increase your pain. Better to offer a prayer and then LET IT GO.

 

Below is a prayer that has been helpful to me.  It was written by Dr. Bozarth, a therapist and Episcopal Priest …

 

I bless you,

I release you,

I let you be,

I let me be,

I set you free,

I set me free.

 

Forgiveness … is a truly selfish gift.

 

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
-Paul Boese

 

Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”  Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

-Matthew 22:36-40 (NIV)

 

Mary Bea Sullivan is the author of Dancing Naked Under the Moon - Uncovering the Wisdom Within, a compelling story about her pilgrimage toward wholeness.  She facilitates spiritual retreats and workshops for women’s groups and faith communities.  Mary Bea lives with her husband, Malcolm Marler, and their yellow (white really) lab, Daisy on Smith Lake in Alabama. For more information about Mary Bea Sullivan and her work, please visit www.MaryBeaSullivan.com.

 

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