Article By Judy Mosley

 

Thunderstorms always make me feel better.  That’s because of my mom.

 

As a younger child, when it would begin to rain my mom would usher me outside, blanket in hand, and sit down with me to watch the storm.  The lighting would grow brighter and the thunder would nearly burst our ears.  But what I remember most is that we were sitting together, bodies wrapped up in the blanket, talking about whatever.  I don’t remember a single word of our conversations, but the feeling is still warm, deep within my heart.

 

As a parent, even with memories like those I find it difficult to remember what it takes to reach into the heart of my child.  I have had to make myself remember what was important to me as a child … and remember that what I needed then is what my children need now. 

 

But what is quality time?  Is it really about quality vs. quantity?  These are my own thoughts on what children need to feel that they are an important part in the family.  Children need:

 

Time to Stand Still

Ever have those moments when time doesn’t even seem relevant?  You are so present in the moment that it doesn’t matter what comes next.  You just want to be right here and nowhere else.

 

This is what your children need.  During the thunderstorms, I never felt rushed by my mom.  I never felt she was looking at her watch and counting the time until she could go do something else.  It didn’t matter if the storm was five minutes or an hour.  Time didn’t matter.

 

I think that all children need to know that, occasionally, life can stand still, just for a while, and that there doesn’t need to be something coming up next.  The point is being together.

 

Eye Contact

What is it that keeps you from looking at your child?  Is it the blackberry?  The internet?  The TV?  Or, are you so busy watching everyone else that you can’t maintain eye contact with this amazing person in front of you?

 

Recently, I spent time with a woman who, every time that I spoke, would look directly into my eyes. Her presence made me feel so welcome and accepted.  And it reminded me that my children need to feel that same way when they look into my own eyes.

 

Touch

Rub their hair.  Touch their hand.  Scratch their back.  This is especially important when children hit puberty.  Children need to know that they are still normal as they go through the transition into adulthood and giving them appropriate touches sends the message that they are normal human beings.

 

There is so much taboo about touching that, I think, we’ve forgotten how to touch each other in appropriate ways that we all really need and miss.  By avoiding touch entirely, we could starve our children of that need … and we don’t want them searching elsewhere to fulfill that need as it might not be in the best ways.

 

Really Listen to Their Point of View

Many times, we treat the people we work with better in this respect than our own family.  This requires closing our mouths (unless asked to open them) and really listening to what it’s like living in their skin.

 

Your experience is not their experience.  They need to know that what they feel and the thoughts that go through their minds are valid.

 

Be empathetic.  If you are shocked by anything that they say, keep it to yourself. What they are feeling may be shocking to them, and they need to know that there isn’t anything wrong with them as people. They need to know that you are willing to walk through whatever it is that they are experiencing, no matter how uncomfortable it might be for either of you.

 

To Have Fun With You

What is it that they enjoy? Yes, it’s important to share what you enjoy … but finding out what makes them tick is just as fun.

 

Don’t like skateboarding? Try it.  Even if you know you’ll hate it and look silly trying it.  Children love it when parents get outside of themselves and do things along side of them.  It’s the participation, the trying that counts … not whether you are actually good at everything!

 

When you participate, what they hear from you is that they are important and what they do is important … even if you don’t like it yourself.  So, go shopping.  Look at bugs.  Listen to their music. Try their favorite sport.

 

Encourage them in their individuality and you might find them including you more into their lives.

 

Parenting can be hard and, mostly, never what we expect.  But if we remember what we needed as children, we might be able to put aside our own to-do list and pay attention to the beautiful people that are right in front of us.  And that is what makes a child feel invaluable in the eyes of their parent.

 

“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids.  Their behavior is always normal.”
-Bill Cosby

 

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