Article By Kevin L. DeWitt

 

How do you give someone criticism without hurting their feelings or making them angry? It is possible for people to receive criticism without having their feelings hurt or becoming incensed? How can we give and take criticism in a kind way?  This is a difficult suggestion for most people.  But in truth it is possible to give criticism with kindness and have a decent chance of having it received constructively.

 

It seems most of us have a hard time accepting criticism without getting hurt or angry or defensive … and just as many of us have a hard time giving criticism without making others hurt or angry or defensive.  Perhaps one key is why we criticize … do we criticize out of caring and concern for the other person … or do we criticize out of retribution and one-upmanship?

 

Let’s look at how to give criticism with kindness, so that the person who receives it is more likely to take it well.  We’ll also look at why criticism is often the wrong approach to take: positive suggestions are even better.

 

Why Give Criticism?
It’s important to step back and look at why people give criticism.  Here are a few common reasons, although this is certainly not an all-encompassing list:

 

•To help someone improve.  Sometimes criticism is actual honest feedback, meant to help the person we’re criticizing.  We want to help them get better.

 

•To see a change that we would like.  There might be something that often bothers us that we’d like to see changed.  Perhaps the person uses too must perfume, or interrupts others speaking all the time, etc.  So criticism is meant to help get that change enacted.

 

•To further the discussion.  Criticism can be a way to get a good, intelligent discussion about something going, to take it to a new level, to explore new areas of the discussion, to give an opposing viewpoint, to impart new knowledge.

 

•To hurt someone.  Too, often we just don’t like someone or we are angry at them for some reason, and want to get at them, attack them.  Criticism in this case is destructive.

 

•To vent our frustrations.  Sometimes we are just frustrated with something, or are having a bad day, and need to vent that negative anger.

 

•To boost our ego.  Some people like to show how powerful or intelligent or knowledgeable they are, and use criticism as a way of doing that.  They are puffing themselves up, challenging others, doing an Alpha Male thing.

 

Before you offer criticism, consider your reasons.  If your reason is one of the first three, then this article is for you.  If it’s one of the second three reasons, you won’t get anything out of this article unless you are willing to open yourself up to appropriate criticism and to change.  If you criticize to hurt others, out of frustration or to boost your ego, then I suggest you stop yourself and think long and hard about why you feel the need to do that.

 

Using criticism to help someone improve, to see a change affected, or to contribute to a discussion, are all good reasons for doing it.  Now … the question is … how to do it kindly, without attacking, so that your purposes are accomplished.

 

Why Criticism Hurts or Angers
People don’t usually take criticism well, even if it’s done for good reasons. Why? Why can’t people simply see criticism as a way to improve?  There are many reasons.  Here are just a few:

 

•The criticism is mean-spirited. If you use insulting or degrading language, or put down the person in any way, they will focus on that, and not on the rest of the criticism.

 

•You focus on the person instead of the action.  If you focus on the person instead of their actions, you will make them angry or defensive or hurt.

 

•They assume you’re attacking them.  Even if you focus on actions, many people take all criticism as an attack on themselves no matter what your intention or language. They can’t take criticism in a detached, non-personal way.  This is the most difficult trait because you cannot force them to change how they see their world.

 

•They assume they’re right.  Many people assume what they say or do is right, and that the criticism is wrong.  They don’t like to hear that they’re wrong, whether it’s true or not.

 

You cannot change some of these things about the person receiving the criticism.  You can try, but your success rate probably won’t be very great.  However, you can change your actions — how you communicate the criticism … or whether you criticize at all.

 

Delivering Criticism Kindly
Looking at the above reasons that criticism isn’t taken well, the keys are:

 

•Don’t attack, insult, or be mean or demeaning in any way.

•Talk about actions or things, not the person.

•Don’t tell the person he’s wrong.

•Don’t criticize at all.

 

So … how do you give kind criticism?  How do you help someone improve, see the positive changes that are possible, or contribute to a meaningful discussion?  By offering a specific, positive suggestion instead.  So instead of criticizing (which is rarely taken well), offer a specific, positive suggestion.  Try the following:

 

•Suggestion, not criticism.  As people sometimes will assume that you’re attacking them personally, no matter how nice your criticism and how much you focus on actions, a criticism is often not the way to go if you want 1) for them to improve; 2) to see actual change; or 3) to contribute to a meaningful discussion.  Instead, suggest a change.

 

A suggestion can be positive, it can be seen as helpful, it can be seen as an instrument for improvement and change.  People often take suggestions well (but not always).  So a suggestion is more useful than a criticism in many cases.

 

•Be positive.  Much criticism is negative.  That hurts the discussion, because things can take an ugly turn from there.  It hurts the person receiving it, making it less likely that they’ll take it as a way to change.  Instead, be positive: “I’d love it if …” or “I think you’d do a great job with …” And don’t do it in a sarcastic way … be genuinely positive.  Your sarcasm can be worse than the criticism itself on the other person … because then it is genuinely an attack on that person. Being positive keeps the discussion positive, and people are more likely to receive it in a positive way.

 

•Be specific.  It’s easy to give vague criticism: “You’re a bad driver,” “I don’t like your song,” or “You really should work harder.” Anyone can criticize like that.  Being specific is more difficult: “When you drive too close to cars I feel afraid,” “I think your song would sound better if you slowed down the tempo,” etc.  

 

It’s harder still to make a specific, positive suggestion: “I really enjoy our time together when we drive slower and can relax,” or “I love your voice when you sing slower songs, and this song …,” etc.

 

•Be kind.  It’s important that you be gentle and kind in your suggestions.  People have a hard time accepting any criticism, gentle or not.  However if it is harsh, it will almost always have bad consequences. Instead, ask yourself, “Would I like to hear that about myself?” And: “If so, what would be the nicest way to say it?”

 

•Relate to actions.  Never criticize the person.  Criticize only the actions. Similarly, when you’re making suggestions … make suggestions about the actions, not about the person.

 

“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.”
-Franklin P. Jones

 

“Don’t take yourself too seriously.  If you can develop ability to laugh at yourself, you will be much more relaxed when given or giving criticism … Blessed is he who can enjoy his blunders.”
-John C. Maxwell

 

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