Article by Make The Days Count Contributor Bake Cothron

 

What is the potential for true connection between two human hearts through communication?  What is listening with the heart, and does it happen on a regular basis? 

 

When two people communicate verbally to each other, the speaker’s words are translated by the other person, translated and then “digested” by the heart and mind.  A reaction and response then arises in the listener.  However, to often our words are not deeply heard by the listener/s and the true essence of what we are wishing to express is lost in translation.  The same mistranslation often happens inside us when we are listening to others. 

 

Listening with the heart is when we really hear other’s words as a deep expression of their heart and mind … and understand the essence behind the words.  This is when real communication happens. 

 

As people trained in the English language, our options for deep expression are often agonizingly limited when trying to express the deeper parts of the soul and experience.  For instance we have only one word for true love: love.  Whether we’re talking about how we feel about a cranberry muffin or our soul mate, there is often one word we use: love. 

 

By comparison, Greek has three primary words for love: eros; passionate love, philia; friendship love, and agape; which is a kind of sacrificial, unconditional love.  This shows how limiting in comparison our modern English can be.  Add that to the typical very brief attention span, text and cell phone conversation and fast-paced life style and one can be left feeling unheard and misunderstood easily.  To truly hear others it often takes a slow, conscious pace and an open, compassionate viewpoint.

 

How do we start listening from the heart? 

 

First of all, it takes consideration and respect from the listener.  If we’re considerate and respectful that what the other person has to say is important and that their viewpoint matters, we’re able to really listen with a wide open heart.  If we’re feeling hurt, mistrustful, bored, or don’t care, then our hearts are probably closed off to really listening and valuing what the person has to say.  So it takes patience, understanding and compassion … that the other person and their words matter … to really listen with the heart. 

 

Several philosophies and methods have been instrumental in my own journey of listening from the heart.  A major one has been discovering “Non-Violent Communication” also known as NVC, or compassionate communication. 

 

NVC is a book and practice created by Marshall Rosenberg to facilitate real connection and understanding between two people or groups of people communicating.  First, he states that we all as humans have needs that we need to be met.  The basics are those essential to survival: food, shelter, water, air, warmth, etc.  The others are more abstract but just as vital as humans mature and grow older, including: connection, respect, intimacy, cooperation, mutuality, integrity, dignity, purpose, and meaning.  With this as the behind-the-scenes motivation of all human efforts, NVC is designed to facilitate those essential needs being communicated clearly and heard and understood by others.  That way we can understand each other and have greater harmony, understanding and cooperation, and inevitably, more love between us.

 

The NVC process goes about structuring sentences in ways that describe an action or object, then state our feelings and what needs are or are not being met.  For instance, instead of saying, “Stop driving so fast you idiot!  You’re a lunatic!”  You could say “When you drive like this, I feel really unsafe; if you slowed down it would really meet my needs for safety.” 

 

It might sound a bit contrived or silly at first, but as you explore NVC’s possibilities, it opens up a whole new world of understanding of others, as well as your own self.  For instance, instead of blaming others as being at fault, NVC essentially puts the blame on ourselves, where it belongs.  Instead of:  “Jon is such a rude person!“ … with NVC it would be ”When Jon talks like that to me I feel upset because my needs for respect are really not met.” 

 

When others come up to us and are upset, we can also translate their words into NVC:  “I’m so mad at you, you’re so uncooperative!” can be translated internally and responded to “I hear you’re mad because your needs for cooperation aren’t being met here.  I’m really sorry, how can I meet your needs for cooperation?” 

 

You’d be amazed at how positively people react when they are really heard deeply like that, instead of a typical defensive retaliation.  When people are heard from the heart it can change the whole atmosphere of a situation.  While it’s not always easy to do, listening from the heart promises much greater understanding and capacity for cooperation than typical reactionary, judgmental communication.  

 

When we listen from the heart, we hear essential needs being expressed as being met or not met, instead of judgments.  Such as “I’m so mad at you, you’re so uncooperative!”  Instead of hearing and responding to the judgment expressed, we instead hear the needs not being met, which are cooperation and probably mutuality and patience.  Then we can respond to those needs and not an angry voice and person.  It works for positive things to.  Instead of a generic response to something positive like: “That’s so nice,” we can articulate it like ”wow, that really meets my needs for kindness, thank you.”  Doesn’t that describe the feeling so much more deeply?  With NVC and an open mind, we unlock a whole new world of expressing ourselves and listening to other people deeply. 

 

The fact that we can respond to things without judgment is revolutionary.

 

Think how many times a day we verbally judge the things we encounter.  It probably occurs at least several dozen times daily.  This is good, that is bad, that is ugly, this was delicious, those are fast, he is smart, etc.  Now we can frame things from the perspective that they are either meeting our needs or not meeting needs.  This way we stop blaming everything in the universe for our state of mind or circumstances.  We take responsibility for our own feelings.  Nothing can MAKE us feel anything.  It’s our choice. 

 

Healthy, deep communication is a process of communing with other beings.  Speaking from the heart and essence and listening with compassion and consciousness. 

 

Communication shares the same root word as community, communal, or common unity.  We all share the common desire to be heard and hear others.  When others feel truly heard, there is a strong sense of connection between people.  There is a sense of respect, being understood, being cared about, and mattering.  Isn’t that how we all should feel after speaking? 

 

Experiment listening deeply from the heart at all times.  It will change the way you speak, hear others, and respond.  A whole new world of deeper understanding and connection waits for those who dare listen with open hearts and respond with compassion.

 

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen.  Just listen.  Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention… A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”
-Rachel Naomi Remen

 

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