Article by Make The Days Count Contributor Derrick Torrens

 

“You can’t grow when people can’t be themselves around you and express their opinions.  This is true whether you like what they have to say or not.” 

 

The scene is set a smoky, dimly lit gym.  This gym resides in a dilapidated neighborhood, downtrodden, and dangerous.  Crime and refuse is more prevalent than grass and blue-skies in our community … and our gym is its social center.  Inside people are gathering, sitting in their rusty folding chairs in great anticipation of another title boxing bout.  Title is the operative word because down here there isn’t any real glory in winning.  Just the satisfaction of knowing you put a licking on your opponent and they’ll think twice about facing you again, if at all. 

 

Our fighters are approaching, climbing the ragged wooden step stools into the sweat and blood stained canvas of the ring.  The ropes are tattered and worn.  They won’t hold the weight of your towel let alone your body if you are unfortunate enough to be pinned against them, but no one cares.  This fight will be toe-to-toe, no holds barred and right at center ring. 

 

I’m ready to win.  And you know what?  So is she.  This is just another argument in the Torrens’ residence.

 

Now to be truthful none of us should view our disagreements with one another in quite this fashion … and if you do … then perhaps you should get out while you can.  Even so, at times it may feel as though you are about to take part in some bare-knuckled action every time you reach an impasse with someone or feel slighted by his words or tone. 

 

Some of us stew over these issues until we explode; others are that hair trigger waiting to go off at a moment’s notice.  Why you may ask?  I know that I’ve asked myself more than once simple stresses or conversations get me so worked up? 

 

I am willing to say whatever I have to say to get under my opponents skin or to have the last word in any argument.  I want to win, but in the end did I really win anything?

 

If what I get out of it is victory, then what must it be like for those who lost and had to suffer the brunt of my displeasure?  Is there anything left of them?  Is there anything left of me? 

 

I’m sure there are those among us who relish the role of intimidator or having some level of supremacy, but I am not one of them.  There are also those who look at their antics as an outlet to vent all the frustrations of the last twenty years or a way to get back at whoever has wronged them in their entire life.  For the latter individuals I feel the most sorry because they are holding on to a tremendous amount of weight that needs to be released for their own well-being. 

 

As we look at our own situations, we must learn to control our anger and to disagree in a manner that allows us to continue to grow, mature, and learn from our mistakes while not making enemies or victimizing others (whether we feel they “deserve” it or not).  Often times the price is so much higher than anticipated.

 

Have you ever regretted what you said or did in a moment of anger?  Why did you regret it? 

 

Speaking from personal experience, I would usually calm down and realize it wasn’t worth all the venom I spewed.  Other times I lost something I didn’t intend to lose when I started on my tirade.  My goal was just to tell somebody off or show them they were wrong and I was right.  I never intended to end up alone. 

 

Even though you may not be alone physically, you may be there emotionally.  If people aren’t honest with you because they fear the repercussions of saying something you don’t want to hear, then there is a problem. 

 

You can’t grow when people can’t be themselves around you and express their opinions.  This is true whether you like what they have to say or not.  Often times we lose our tempers due to things that are outside of what we are screaming about.  It is easier to yell at someone for a rude comment than to delve into your disappointment with your life, your spouse, your late bills, or wasted youth. 

 

Find out why you’re angry and do some real soul searching.  It is easier to yell at someone for a rude comment than to delve into your disappointment you’re your life, your spouse, your late bills, or wasted youth. 

 

Get to the root of what is bothering you before you say anything.  A knee-jerk comment can be like a dagger to a loved-one, spouse, or child scarring them, sometimes permanently.  Too many scars and a relationship will probably end … or limp along in a state worse than death. 

 

If you’re going to argue, don’t say a whole bunch of things you don’t mean just to get the upper hand.  Try to understand you are angry and try harder to speak respectfully.  Remember the importance of that other person in your world, or the importance of the situation (i.e. your job, etc.).  Do you want to lose precious things because you want someone to share in your hurt?

 

Worst case scenario?  You find that you truly do have to disagree or assert yourself in a negative manner.  Do it with respect.  Do it for you if for no one else.  Learn to care about how you are perceived and be a better and more caring person.  It is easy to love what you like and it is easy to be happy when things are going your way. 

 

Yes, do assert yourself when you have to, but don’t miss out on life because of hasty words. 

 

Those of us who scream the loudest are many times the most sensitive.  Deal with your hurts and think before your speak. 

 

By becoming a person who can be respected for their patience and understanding maybe you can hang up the gloves and enjoy a hiatus from the fight game.  God knows you won’t have to train as hard and you’ll have a lot more friends.  

 

“I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.”
-Dave Barry

 

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