Article by Make The Days Count Contributor Derrick Torrens

Scrolling through the channels trying to find something to watch I have discovered that, among other things, I am morbidly obese and my sense of fashion is terribly outdated.  Everything I watch seems to be about something I need to do differently.

But I have come to realize it is not just me.  It’s a trend that the media is gearing towards us all.  You got acne?  Use this product.  You want to wow him in the bedroom?  Buy this.  You want to know where the wealthy shop?  Then go here and buy these items when you get there … because “you need them.”

I like to watch the show “What Not to Wear.”  On the show someone close to you decides you don’t have a clue what you look like in your day-to-day life and that you need a makeover.  So now your friends secretly videotape your wears and send it in to the show.  Hopefully it convinces the producers to come and throw away everything in your closet.  It’s supposed to be funny because evidently everyone but you hates your orange parachute pants and your rhinestone covered leather jacket. 

So there you are … living your life feeling carefree in your tennis shoes … and all the while you are being examined and told how and what you need to change.  I admit that I love watching “What Not to Wear,” and apparently so do millions of other people.   Unfortunately, it seems this is what we do these days … we are constantly looking at the people in our lives and submitting them as applicants for a makeover as if they are not good enough as they are.

 “I want to turn my husband from dud to stud.”  “I want my kids to be Ivy-league students with two Ph.D.s apiece.”  “I want my girlfriend to manage her money better and quit buying frivolous garbage (harsh words I know).”  Why are the “beautiful people” always on TV and not in my living room?  Why isn’t any of this happening for me? 

The problem is that just as those ads were proving too good to be true, so is the idea of changing people around us.  Perhaps we should spend less effort on changing others and more on ourselves?  People inherently are who they are and should be accepted and cherished for that.  And we will be happier for it in our own lives.  “Different strokes for different folks,” remember?

There are many assumptions that are made about changing others (and sometimes about changing ourselves).  Let’s discuss some.

Change for yourself first.

There has been talk that we can’t change, or that we must change only what others think is not good enough about ourselves.  But I think is it all depends on what you want to change.  Being a person who wants to win all the time might not be a trait you are able to change.  But learning to accept losing graciously may be a behavior you can change.  That is where the truth lies.  If you consciously make an effort you can overcome some of your compulsions, but it will take effort and commitment.  The level of sacrifice can seem overwhelming because we are accustomed to living a certain way and even a tiny change may seem enormous.  It is a lot like being predisposed to some illness.  You may overcome it or avoid it, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is always there. 

When looking for change in others.

Remember, you cannot and should not force change on others.  When expecting another person to act or be different, be respectful to what they want.  Does he want to change?  Is that change for their benefit or yours?  What may make your life easier may make someone else’s that much harder … without near the rewards. 

People change naturally.  Whether through aging or their life circumstances, most people change, grow and mature over their lifetime.  Some people actually do change to keep their relationships, or because the path they were on was no good for them.  I applaud that because I strive to better myself all the time. 

Lead by Example.

On the flip side I must not judge those who have not yet blossomed into a butterfly and are still the caterpillar.  Often times the thing that makes a person (most especially ourselves) resistant to change is the fact someone else is pushing.  Instead, lead by example. 

Work to improve yourself, and let others know that they can be themselves with you.  You and they will be happier; less stressed, and ultimately able to support each others’ life challenges.

“Many aspire to change the world but few realize that everyone accomplishes that goal.  Each day you live you are changing something.  Rather than simply changing the world, one should aspire to make a positive change with each action they commit.”
-Anonymous

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