Article by Make The Days Count Contributor Marie Monroe

Effective communication helps listeners feel comfortable, on equal footing, and willing to continue listening and talking.  A presentation that holds its audience’s attention throughout is a successful one.  Yet a fluent discussion is one in which opportunities have opened and relationships are cultivated.

 

Many things are possible when communication flows well: learning, teaching, understanding, resolution, persuasion, collaboration, negotiation and intimacy, just to name a few.  This is the stuff of which good relationships are made – business and personal.

 

What helps to smooth the way to effective communication?  

 

1 - Respect Your Listeners’ Time

Having clarity about what we want to say is one ingredient of good communication.  In business, respecting our listener’s time is important.  Assume that every business contact is very busy and give courtesy accordingly.  We can be clear and direct without sacrificing the social graces.  Think if it in terms of having a limited window of optimal ‘air’ time.

 

2 - Engage Listeners

Another ingredient of effective communication is the ability to engage our listeners, and to keep them engaged until the exchange is amicably concluded.  Keeping our listeners well engaged throughout our exchange is critical.  Communication falls apart when one party disengages prematurely for any reason.  Disengagement can be as extreme as leaving the meeting in anger, or as subtle as a momentary loss of concentration.  Learning to read the signs of engagement and disengagement can greatly enhance the effectiveness of our communication.

 

One of the most off-putting of all communication styles is that in which the speaker conveys a position of privilege or authority with an attempt to control the listener, situation or outcome (and/or ego!).  This communication “power play” assumes a one-up position, implies coercion and insinuates that the listener is somehow “less than” the speaker.  It’s damaging in personal relationships and business.  The typical listener in this situation can easily disengage in several ways that will create problems later.  For example, an emotional reaction to the power play style is typical.  Resentment, fear, anger and open conflict become viable possibilities.  Lingering effects can be avoidance of future interaction and even indirect expressions of resentment and anger through sabotaging behaviors such as uncooperative passivity.

 

3 - Changing Unconscious Patterns

Ineffective communication, such as the power play, is very often an unconscious pattern that can be changed with awareness.  Change of communication style is a three-fold process.  We learn to inventory ourselves as we speak with others, and we learn to inventory what our listeners are saying both verbally and non-verbally:

 

Learning to Hear Ourselves - First, learning to hear ourselves takes practice, but pays well in the end.  Ensure your delivery is not creating a defensive listener stance.  This is a wonderful investment in relationship building and getting what you want to say heard.  Begin to eliminate the use of “you” statements when describing problems or concerns.  “You” statements can imply blame and criticism, putting your listener on the defensive.  On the other hand, “I” statements imply accountability and a willingness to accept one’s share of responsibility.  Discussing one’s own contribution to problems diminishes anxiety, resentment and defensiveness in your listener.

 

Pacing The Delivery as You Speak - Second, take pauses, pacing the delivery of as you speak.  This works in on-on-one conversations and when you speak in front of groups.  Monitor your volume and rate of speech.  Fast speech packed with many concepts can be difficult to understand and absorb.  Listeners can feel pressured, that we are giving the “hard sell” and tune out.  It’s better to allow our listener time to think about what we’ve said.  Tolerate moments of silence without filling them yourself.  This gives your listener important room for active participation.

 

Watch for Nonverbal Responses - Third, watch for your listener’s nonverbal responses.  Disengagement will show itself in many ways. Some signs of disengagement are repetitive body movements such as tapping, playing with a pen or swinging one’s foot.  Any rising emotion can be seen in such things as flushing, position shifting, or loss of eye contact.  Loss of concentration will often appear as fatigue in the listener.  The gaze will drift away.  The eyes will be less alert.  They may slump in their seats or yawn and stretch.  All of these non-verbal cues tell us that we are losing, or have already lost, the listener.

 

We should make efforts to monitor ourselves when we notice these nonverbal cues of disengagement.  Notice our volume and tone.  Notice the speed of our speech. Have we been speaking too long or not enough?  Have we been direct or attempting to “sidle up” to the point?  Are we using “you” statements?  

 

We should engage the listener in a verbal exchange to further evaluate the quality of our communication.  Listen for justification, excuse-making, rationalization and blaming.  If our listener uses these communication tactics, something has gone wrong.  It may be that we have inadvertently been in a power play position and our listener feels criticized, unsupported, blamed or unimportant.  Correct the situation with “I” statements and by asking our listeners how they understand what has been said.  If we’ve lost them, we have to take responsibility for that and ask how we can clear things up.  We should practice, practice, practice being clear, direct and on equal terms with our listeners. Share the “air” time!

 

Gear down and remember that communication is a two-way street.  We need to hear from our listeners frequently in order to communicate better. We have to use what we hear (and what we see) to stay engaged ourselves.  Our listeners will appreciate it!  

 

Keeping the listener’s comfort as top priority will empower instead of overpower.  That works to everyone’s advantage.

 

“When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard. I have deeply appreciated the times that I have experienced this sensitive, empathic, concentrated listening.”

-Carl R. Rogers, Experiences in Communication

 

“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.”

-Peter Drucker

 

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or Digg. Thanks!