Article by Make The Days Count Contributor Jennifer Snelling

What are you usually looking at when someone is talking to you?  Take a moment to think about it.  For me, it is the computer or television screen, the scenes passing outside the car window, or whatever project or task I’m taking care of at the moment.  I’m often distracted and answer with a simple, “Uh-huh,” or a quick, half-thought response so that I can continue to participate in the conversation without being distracted from whatever I’m involved in.

Not giving your attention to a conversation can have consequences.  Often, you’ll forget important parts of the conversation later on, have miscommunications, arguments, or even come across as not caring to friends and those you love.  The consequences can be equally as damaging in the workplace.

Surely you’ve been in the position of the speaker.  What does it feel like to have something important to communicate or a valid question to ask?  What does it feel like when they respond with an answer that doesn’t help or a comment that communicates that they have more important things to worry about?  Not good.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be that person.  The solution goes back to a technique that most of us were taught at an early age and one that most successful people use daily – active listening.

Step 1 – Look at the speaker.  One of the most important things you should do when a person is speaking to you – and this is just good manners – is look at the speaker.  Pull yourself away from that monitor, TV screen, or project for just a moment to look them in the eye.  Stop typing, turn down the volume, or simply pause what you are doing for a just a moment to give them that visual clue that you are interested. 

If it is important that what you are doing isn’t interrupted, simply explain that and ask politely for the speaker to approach you again in a short while.  Give them a time frame, so they don’t come back prematurely.  The time frame is important so that the speaker doesn’t feel bothersome by returning just for you to ask them to come back again.  For children, this can also help instill good manners and time-management skills.

Step 2 – Think about what they are saying.  Once you’ve given the speaker your attention, it is crucial to think about what they are saying.  Ask yourself unselfish questions and try to understand their perspective.  For example, don’t ask yourself if what they are saying is relevant or important.  Instead, ask yourself why this is important to the speaker.  Don’t listen to the first sentence and jump to conclusions.  Instead, try to understand why the speaker feels that way. 

As you listen, nod, allow yourself to make facial expressions, and lean toward the speaker.  These are not only visual clues that you are listening.  They are also exercises in listening that will help you to understand and digest what is being said in your own, personal way.

Step 3 – Don’t Interrupt.  Now, we have to acknowledge the tricky part.  Don’t interrupt!  Often the person you are listening to will say something that brings an important thought to mind or elicits an emotional response.  Try to contain it until they’ve had their say!  To me, this is the most difficult part of active listening.  I’m afraid that I’ll forget what I have to say or my own feelings won’t be acknowledged.  However, we must tell ourselves that if we hear the speaker out, they might come to the same conclusion we are hold, or acknowledge our feelings without our interruption.  Another good thing about waiting our turn is that we aren’t diverting the direction of the conversation, and the attention should be focused on us when it is our fair turn to be the speaker.

Step 4 – Repeat what you heard them say.  After hearing out the point or question, the listener should repeat it, or at least parts of it, to clarify that both people are on the same page, so to speak.  Ask questions to make sure you understand what was just said, or simply restate what was said in your own words to acknowledge that you were listening.  Doesn’t it make you feel valuable when you know someone cares about what you’re saying (even if they don’t agree)?

Step 5 – You get to talk.  Finally, we get to the fun part – the response!  Now you can actively communicate your thoughts on the matter or your answer to the question with intent and clarity.  You might have even lost interest in that television show or realized their project or problem was more important than your own.  Sometimes, it even turns out that they only needed to say something simple, and you can return to your work or play sooner than you thought.

This point is the best part of actively listening to another person.  It is an exchange of ideas, a feeling of importance, a valuable part of relationships, and often an expression of concern, compassion, or interest. 

It is also a personal tool in that you’re learning, opening your mind, reaching out to another, and retaining important information that you might have overlooked otherwise.  You’ll be working through miscommunications, problems, and getting to know others better, all while sharing a part of yourself and proving your competence. 

Active listening will not only improve your day – it will improve your relationships with nearly everyone around you! 

“Difficult as it is really to listen to someone in affliction; it is just as difficult for him to know that compassion is listening to him.”
-Simone Weil, Waiting for God

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